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You Need To Calm Down…

You are somebody that I don’t know
But you’re takin’ shots at me like it’s Patrón
And I’m just like, damn, it’s 7 AM
Say it in the street, that’s a knock-out
But you say it in a Tweet, that’s a cop-out
And I’m just like, “Hey, are you okay?”
And I ain’t tryna mess with your self-expression
But I’ve learned a lesson that stressin’ and obsessin’ ’bout somebody else is no fun
And snakes and stones never broke my bones
So oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
You need to calm down, you’re being too loud
And I’m just like oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh (oh)
You need to just stop
Like can you just not step on my gown?
You need to calm down
You are somebody that we don’t know
But you’re comin’ at my friends like a missile
Why are you mad?
When you could be GLAAD? (You could be GLAAD)
Sunshine on the street at the parade
But you would rather be in the dark age
Just makin’ that sign must’ve taken all night
You just need to take several seats and then try to restore the peace
And control your urges to scream about all the people you hate
‘Cause shade never made anybody less gay
So oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
You need to calm down, you’re being too loud
And I’m just like oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh (oh)
You need to just stop
Like can you just not step on his gown?
You need to calm down
And we see you over there on the internet
Comparing all the girls who are killing it
But we figured you out
We all know now we all got crowns
You need to calm down
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
You need to calm down (you need to calm down)
You’re being too loud (you’re being too loud)
And I’m just like oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh (oh)
You need to just stop (can you stop?)
Like can you just not step on our gowns?
You need to calm down
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Help Me, Please Have Mercy On Me



No words can describe the pain.


Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you’ll feel better
Just take her home and you’ll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
I’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I’m trying to find a way to chill, can’t breathe, oh
Is there somebody who could
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
I need somebody now
I need somebody now
Someone to help me out
I need somebody now
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
I need somebody now
It isn’t in my blood
I need somebody now
It isn’t in my blood

You’ve got a hold of me
Don’t even know your power
I stand a hundred feet
But I fall when I’m around you
Show me an open door
Then you go and slam it on me
I can’t take anymore
I’m saying baby
Please have mercy on me
Take it easy on my heart
Even though you don’t mean to hurt me
You keep tearing me apart
Would you please have mercy, mercy on my heart
Would you please have mercy, mercy on my heart
I’d drive through the night
Just to be near you, baby
Heart open, testify
Tell me that I’m not crazy
I’m not asking for a lot
Just that you’re honest with me
My pride is all I got
I’m saying baby
Please have mercy on me
Take it easy on my heart
Even though you don’t mean to hurt me
You keep tearing me apart
Would you please have mercy on me
I’m a puppet on your string
And even though you got good intentions
I need you to set me free
Would you please have mercy, mercy on my heart
Would you please have mercy, mercy on my heart
Consuming all the air inside my lungs
Ripping all the skin from off my bones
I’m prepared to sacrifice my life
I would gladly do it twice
Consuming all the air inside my lungs
Ripping all the skin from off my bones
I’m prepared to sacrifice my life
I would gladly do it twice
Please have mercy on me
Take it easy on my heart
Even though you don’t mean to hurt me
You keep tearing me apart
Would you please have mercy on me
I’m a puppet on your string
And even though you got good intentions
I need you to set me free
I’m begging you for mercy, mercy
Begging you, begging you, please, baby
I’m begging you for mercy, mercy
Ooh, I’m begging you, I’m begging you

 

 

 

 


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Long Live


I wrote this for my ex boyfriend when I was 21.  It seems like I knew more back then, then I do now.  Or maybe I was just really young and stupid.  He still tells me how much he regrets loosing me, and how I was the most amazing girl he had ever met.  I still don’t believe it.  I still don’t trust anyone, its funny how after all these years some things haven’t changed.  I’m not sure why this song always reminded me of him.  I used to play it all the time driving on my way to see him.  It’s been so long since I’ve listened to it, but it still reminds me of us at that age.  I was so hopeful, it was like we had a little love story that I really believed in.  Sometimes I like to pretend it was real. 

 


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You are good enough.

Don’t let this world make you bitter.  Don’t let the actions of other people turn you cold inside.  Things happen that hurt us, people come that leave us, and you are going to fall.  Don’t let these things change you.  Don’t let them make you unkind.  It’s okay to feel how ever you feel.  But it’s never okay to let the actions of other change who you are.  Even if it seems like there is no good left in the world, continue to be that little bit of good that brings hope.  Things of value require sacrifice.  Don’t let anyone invalidate or minimize how you feel.  If you feel something, you feel it and to you it’s real.  Nothing anyone says has the power to invalidate that.  No one else lives in your body.  No one else sees life through your eyes.  No one else have lived through your experiences.  So no one else has the right to dictate or judge how you feel.  Your feelings are important, and you deserve to be heard.  Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise. You don’t need anyone’s affection or approval in order to be good enough.  When you feel rejected or abandoned, remember it isn’t actually about you.  It’s about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs, and you don’t have to internalize that.  Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you, its something you inherent.  You exist, therefore you matter.  You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings.  Your allowed to assert your needs and take up space.  Your allowed to remove anyone from your life who makes you feel otherwise.  Never forget your worth, and never let anyone treat you any less than you deserve to be treated.  

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Praying

 


Am I dead? Or is this one of those dreams? Those horrible dreams that seem like they last forever? If I am alive, why? Why? If there is a God or whatever, something, somewhere, why have I been abandoned by everyone and everything I’ve ever known? I’ve ever loved? Stranded. What is the lesson? What is the point? God, give me a sign, or I have to give up. I can’t do this anymore. Please just let me die. Being alive hurts too much.

Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, and after everything you’ve done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

‘Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is I wish you farewell

I hope you’re somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

I’m proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come

‘Cause I can make it on my own
And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known
I’ve been thrown out, I’ve been burned ([Live version:] I’ll bring thunder, I’ll bring rain)
When I’m finished, they won’t even know your name

You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is I wish you farewell

I hope you’re somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

Oh, sometimes, I pray for you at night
Oh, someday, maybe you’ll see the light
Oh, some say, in life you gonna get what you give
But some things, only God can forgive

I hope you’re somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

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idgaf, so i cut you off


You call me all friendly
Tellin’ me how much you miss me
That’s funny, I guess you’ve heard my songs
Well, I’m too busy for your business
Go find a girl who wants to listen
Cause if you think I was born yesterday
You have got me wrong

So I cut you off
I don’t need your love
‘Cause I already cried enough
I’ve been done
I’ve been movin’ on since we said goodbye
I cut you off
I don’t need your love, so you can try all you want
Your time is up, I’ll tell you why

You say you’re sorry
But it’s too late now
So save it, get gone, shut up
‘Cause if you think I care about you now
Well, boy, I don’t give a fuck

I remember that weekend
When my best friend caught you creepin’
You blamed it all on the alcohol
So I made my decision
Cause you made your bed, sleep in it
Play the victim and switch your position
I’m through, I’m done

So I cut you off
I don’t need your love
‘Cause I already cried enough
I’ve been done
I’ve been movin’ on since we said goodbye
I cut you off
I don’t need your love, so you can try all you want
Your time is up, I’ll tell you why

You say you’re sorry
But it’s too late now
So save it, get gone, shut up
Cause if you think I care about you now
Well, boy, I don’t give a fuck

I see you tryna’ get to me
I see you beggin’ on your knees
Boy, I don’t give a fuck
So stop tryna’ get to me
Tch, get up off your knees
Cause, boy, I don’t give a fuck
About you

No, I don’t give a damn
You keep reminiscin’ on when you were my man
But I’m over you
Now you’re all in the past
You talk all that sweet talk, but I ain’t comin’ back
Cut you off
I don’t need your love
So you can try all you want
Your time is up, I’ll tell you why

You say you’re sorry
But it’s too late now
So save it, get gone, shut up
Cause if you think I care about you now
Well, boy, I don’t give a fuck

I see you tryna’ get to me
I see you beggin’ on your knees
Boy, I don’t give a fuck
So stop tryna’ get to me (Get to me)
Tch, get up off your knees
Cause, boy, I don’t give a fuck


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Dirt

Sick, unspeakable acts. So sick, I can’t wrap my mind around it.  To understand it, or justify it in any way you would need to be so sick.  Sitting with this discomfort, knowing all that I know, not knowing if anyone else does, it makes me sick.  

If I ever dare speak about it, I wouldn’t know how to put it into words. When I try to process it, my mind just repedily goes to “sick.”

You have daughters. I’m disgusted.  

You are a predator.  When you encounter someone you know is weak, because of their maturity, their age, their emotional state or whatever else.  You know how easy it is.  You prey on the weak, the sick girls and women who have nothing and no one.  You groom them.  How easy it is to make them believe you are just friends at first.  All the time knowing your doing it out of your selfishness and uncontrolable need to feel power over others.  They are victims of your perpetration.  Exchangin sex for money, or empy promises.  You give these poor girls false hope.  Why prey on the weak? What is it that you hate so much about yourself, that makes you need to victimize others? Regardless of how many times you tell yourself there is nothing wrong with it, I know that you know there is something very very wrong.  

I’ve never felt, and I don’t believe I will ever feel this disgusted by anyone.  

You are dirt.

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There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk

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Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost . . . I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault . . .
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall . . . it’s a habit . . . but,
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

 

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson
“There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk”

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All’s Fair in Love and War

Anger is just anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It’s like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice.


I know you can’t see it, your not willing to see it.  You don’t want to talk, you made it clear you just want to be angry.  This is what I can’t say to you now, but I feel like I need to say.


Your anger is toxic to you and everyone around you.  It storms in, breaking down doors and stirs everything in sight.  My rage was like it, but my storms have past.  And now I feel like I have to sit with the reckons of yours.

I wish you could see through it.  I understand your angry because your traumatized.  And being retraumatized made you more angry.  Its a cycle that only you can break.  Maybe it makes you feel powerless like the way you felt when you were addicted to drugs or when you couldn’t see your kids.  I think youd agree you’ve never benefitied from your anger.  And it’s not fair for you to direct it twoards me.  You can’t communicate your feelings when your angry, and if you can’t communicate you can’t maintain any of the relationships in your life.  Be the person you say you want to be.  I’m sorry for what happened last night and it was not my fault.  It wasn’t okay, its not okay.

Im sorry that it triggered your past trauma.  That is not what I wanted.  Im sorry that you feel hurt.  Im sorry that you can’t see what your anger does.  And I’m sorry that your not willing to make changes to try to control it.  I’ve been working so hard to heal myself, and I feel like I’m carrying this relationship.  Right now I don’t want to give up on us, I need a reason not to.


The things you say make me feel hurt.  Sometimes they make me feel bad about myself, and sometimes I feel like they are boarding psychological abuse.  And you need to take responsibility for that.  I can’t let myself be your punching bag, its not fair.  If only you could try putting yourself in my shoes, and try to see what it feels like from my perspective.  I feel like I’ve made so many changes to accomodate your needs.  And in return I’m left like this.  I can’t be afraid to stand up for myself.  I hope one day you’ll learn to put your anger aside and break the destructive cycle.

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dear leather knee high black stiletto boots

Note to Self: Remember this is why we don’t try to sort out old clothes on our own… don’t go there again. Don’t even try it like ever.

So my memory fucking sucks.  I don’t remember shit.  The things I can remember I’m able to remember by what I was wearing.  I guess thats weird whatever I don’t care.  

Your sitting next to me now.  I held you, I hugged you, I cried.  I tried to show you love and compassion.  I have so many mixed feelings about you.  I hate you for all of the bad places you took me, but at the same time I love you so much and I can’t let you go.  I know we will never be together again, because I outgrew you a while ago.  I know that is suppose to be a good thing, but at the same time it hurts so much to know will never be together again.  You were the perfect fit, we were the perfect pair.  I remember when I found you, it must have been last winter.  I had been looking for something as special as you for so long.  And as soon as I saw you I knew that you were the perfect pair.  We went so many places together.  I have so many memories with you.  At the time, you were one of the few things I truly loved.  You never let me down.  You supported me through all my hard times, literally.  You lifted me up and always got me home safely, I have to thank you for that.  You were with me during really horrible times.  You stuck with me and took me to the people, places and situations that were so reckless and destructive.  I can’t ever walk with you again, you took me places that I can’t ever go back to.  Now I’m crying again and my boyfriend doesn’t understand, I wouldn’t expect him to.  I miss you and I love you and I hate you and I don’t ever want to see you again but I can’t let you go.  I feel like I need to hold on to you.  But you can’t support me anymore and I know I need to say goodbye.  No other pair of shoes will ever replace you.  There will always be a spot in my heart for you.  

Love/Hate Always,

Michelle

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BPD & Fears of Abandonment

Screen Shot 2016-08-07 at 9.19.43 AMEveryone at one point or another fears that their loved ones will leave them.  But this fear is different from the fear a person with Borderline Personality Disorder experiences.  Rooted in years of family history, this fear can be extremely painful.  This core feature of BPD impacts many other symptoms of the disorder.  Feeling lonely effects borderlines close relationships, disrupts identity development and may trigger severe mood swings, self-destructive behavior and anger outbursts.


Where does the Fear of Abandonment Come From?

There are various theories as to why borderlines experience such intense fear of abandonment.

  1. 1be4e9b9aa24e7c330772230042c4712-1Childhood Experiences

The terror or loneliness often is a consequence of early experiences during childhood, which may have been confusing or contradictory.  The parent (most often the mother) may have discouraged normal separation and individuation by being too clingy, perhaps due to her own fear of abandonment.  The mother or primary caregiver may also have been too rejecting, most likely because of their own fear of closeness.  In some cases, the caregiver could have acted in both ways. 

      2. Object Relations Theory

The object relations theory, is a psychoanalytic theory, suggests that the child and caregivers consistent or inconsistent relationship shapes the way in which the child will view the world. According to this theory, ideally during early development the child experiences consistent, nurturing parenting.  During the first 2 and a half years of life, the child develops trust in the world that is predicts the trust they will have in the world and in others through out adulthood.  This theory suggests that as a child, the borderline experiences a chaotic upbringing, given inconsistent messages from the parent, the borderline is unable to form a constant, predictable sense of self and the world, compared to the ideal child parent relationship, the borderline is unable to establish healthy object constancy; or a reliable, comforting, internalized image of their world that can be used to soothe in times of stress.  Being alone may become intolerable, and hinder confidence and sense of reality.  According to the object relations theory, the child often uses transitional objects as a coping mechanism.  The transitional object is often a favored doll, blanket, stuffed animal or toy.  The child uses this as a way to feel connected to the parent.  When transitional objects don’t work, the child may seek comfort in other ways.

      3. Neurological Correlates

Certain biological peculiarities, including serotonin dysfunction, have been associated with the diagnosis.  Studies utilized PET scanning to illustrate correlations between the specific BPD criterion of abandonment anxiety and cerebral blood flow.  Findings suggest that women with BPD exhibit alterations of blood flow in areas of the brain when exposed to memories of abandonment.


Even after childhood, the extreme bonding often carries over through out the borderlines life, into other relationships and friendships.  The borderline desperately and continuously seeks a new best friend or new partner, exhibiting “an insatiate thirst of enjoying a greedily desired object,” the borderline enters each new friendship with the burden of a grand intensity that it cannot support. 


The conflicting fears and emotions are not only difficult for the borderline, but difficult for those close to them as well.  Because the borderline splits feelings into extremes of black and white, they experience others as providing satisfaction or frustration and rejection.  Engaging in a relationship with a Borderline may include need for dependency and navigating between being perceived as uncaring on one side and as trying to manipulate on the other.  It is important to acknowledge that these fears of abandonment cannot be Screen Shot 2016-08-07 at 9.27.06 AMeasily assuaged.  Despite the amount of reassurance and time spent with the individual, often times they cannot independently rid their anxieties tied to fear.  Only as the borderline understands the instability of their own needs, and after time, are able to develop and accept their individuality within healthy relationships, can they overcome these fears.  The most significant parameter to embrace when living with or loving someone with these extreme fears of abandonment is consistency.  It is best to be consistent than it is to be right.  If you can bring some predictability to the chaotic world the borderline lives in, you are beginning to participate in their growth and maturation. 


How can Screen Shot 2016-08-07 at 9.25.14 AMLoved ones and Relatives Manage the Borderlines Fears and Abandonment

1. Understand and accept the persons anxieties. For the borderline, living apart from a person may be perceived as abandonment.  For example, a husband who works late every night or a therapist who sees many patients, they may all be perceived by the borderline as abandoning.  These feelings are real, and it is crucial that they are acknowledged. 

2. Respect your own limitations. While accepting the borderline’s need for constant reassurance, it is important not to abandon your own interests entirely.  Establish compromises between each others needs and your own, and stick to them. 

3. Don’t try to play doctor. Analyzing the behaviors may be perceived as controlling and may result in anger and defensiveness. 

4. Prepare the borderline for separation. For many people with BPD the future is not seen clearly.  The hope is that what hasn’t happened yet never will.  Ignoring this will only result in more severe hurt and anger when separation does occur. 

5. Be consistent. Work for a compromise and stick to it.  Ambivalence will only result in more conflicts.

 -Kreisman, J. (2004).

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Is Borderline Personality Disorder more Severe than Other Mental Disorders?

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I received a question from one of my followers, “Can you offer any insight as to why there is so much shame attached to BPD? Is it worse than other mental health issues?” I thank this follower for her request, because it gave me the idea for the post, which I believe offers insight and information that are often overlooked.


When I was in graduate school, I remember sitting in my psychopathology class and learning about BPD.  I recall my professor explaining, that many therapists avoid working with clients’ with BPD.  He explained the reason for this being, that many clinicians find it difficult to make progress with BPD clients, due to their symptoms such as instability, impulsivity, splitting, difficulty trusting others, etc. My professor provided an example of an experience he had working with a client with BPD.  He explained that the client would present anger outbursts almost every session, during which she would black out due to the extreme anger.  He reported having difficulty building rapport with his client due to her anger, which she displaced onto the therapist.  He also mentioned the inconsistency of attending sessions.  I would like to make it clear that this is not my personal opinion, but a story that was shared with me, and information given by one of my professors.ede787a3f2bcbcba00a3ae118ff4724b


Is BPD worse than other mental disorders?

There is no evidence based answer to this question.  Every case of Borderline Personality Disorder is different.  People with BPD may experience a wide range of symptoms, while others with a more mild form of the condition present less severe symptoms.  It comes down to the individual, and factors contributing to the disorder such as family, relationships, childhood, environmental factors, social factors etc. 

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Although this is not conclusive, there are factors associated with BPD that may make it seem more severe than other disorders. What we do know is that individuals with BPD frequently suffer from co-occuring mental disorders (the diagnosis often comes with additional diagnosis).  It is common for a clinician to misdiagnosed a client with BPD with the comorbid disorder, which is unfortunate because than they are unable to receive proper treatment. In order to treat BPD with co-occuring disorders the most effectively, Both BPD and the comorbid disorders must be treated.


Disorders that most commonly occur with borderline personality disorder include:

1.Mood Disorders (depression, bipolar disorder): Many people with BPD experience mood swings.  They may experience sudden, extreme shifts in mood, for example going from upbeat, happy, euphoric to angry, irritable etc.  Some individuals meet criteria for major depressive disorder as well as BPD.  The symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) include sadness and/or emptiness most of the day, nearly everyday, low energy, difficulty concentrating and making decisions, thoughts of suicide, sleep and appetite disturbance, agitation, as well as feelings of helplessness, guilt and worthlessness. BPD individuals struggle frequently struggle with establishing a sense of self, and feeling inherently bad.  The symptoms associated with both BPD and MDD overlap, and frequently lead to co-occuring diagnosis.

2. Substance Use Disorders-Individuals with BPD are often more likely to use substances. The overuse of substances, addiction, and problems with substance abuse can render a diagnosis of substance use disorder, co-occuring with BPD.

3. Post traumatic Stress Disorder-A high percentage of individuals with BPD also suffer from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  Many individuals with BPD have suffered from early childhood trauma such as sexual and or physical abuse. PTSD is triggered by traumatic experiences, and can develop at any stage of life.  The maladaptive coping skills that often occur with BPD diagnosis often develop as a way of coping with trauma.

4. Eating Disorders (most commonly bulimia)eating disorders are common in individuals with BPD. Anorexia and Bulimia primarily being the two found most commonly associated with BPD.  Childhood trauma predisposes individuals to these eating disorders, similarly to how it predisposes people to BPD.  The impulsive, self-destructive tendencies associated with BPD may make them more vulnerable to developing an eating disorder.

5. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity disorder(ADHD) frequently co-occurs in borderline individuals affects approximately one out of four diagnosed.  Similar to BPD, ADHD symptoms include impulsivity.

6. Anxiety Disorders-Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder are also co-occuring disorders that many BPD individuals suffer with. Some may be vulnerable due to childhood trauma, chaotic environments, and conflicts.  Children raised in chaotic environments are more likely to develop anxiety disorders.

7.Other Personality Disorders-Research has indicated that many individuals diagnosed with BPD either have co-occuring other personality disorders or features of other personality disorders.

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Overall, a diagnosis of BPD often comes with other co-occuring disorders.  I believe the main reason behind this is because BPD is a complex disorder, with a wide range of symptoms, which overlap with many symptoms associated with other disorders. Symptoms associated with BPD are similar to a few disorders all wrapped into one.  So inclusion, I can not say for certainty that BPD is more severe than other disorders, but if asked my opinion given all of the co-occuring disorders that come with the diagnosis I do believe it is a disorder harder to cope with, treat and manage than most. Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 2.19.23 PM


Why is there so much shame attached to BPD?

Given the nature of the disorder, and the features of other disorders, and co-occuring disorders that often come with a BPD diagnosis, individuals with the disorder frequently experience shame and guilt over many of these symptoms. Many other features b52480c99b31d18c6409875a68f52c47of the disorder also cause individuals with BPD to feel shame.  For example, splitting, a common phenomena that people with BPD experience, can make the individual view themselves as bad, worthless, etc.  Many individuals with BPD also have experienced trauma, many having suffered from physical and or sexual abuse, which causes them to feel shame, and sometimes even blame themselves for the abusers behaviors.  Overall, there is a lot of shame associated with the disorder because of the symptoms and criteria that come with it.  On top of that, there is the stigma placed on the disorder, which causes even more shame.


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BPD is a complex disorder, extremely difficulty to manage, but overcoming the symptoms is definitely possible, and typically in most cases of BPD around the persons early 30’s
symptoms begin to lessen in severity.  Progress is possible, and it is a challenge, but many individuals suffering do get better.  It is a long journey, but it is worth it.  WIth treatment such as individual therapy, DBT, group therapy, medication management etc. BPD is manageable and there is so much potential for suffers to overcome it.


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Parental Alienation-A Type of Child Abuse..

Recent research on the effects of divorce on children has indicated that children would rather live with their parents separated, than live in a high conflict environment with their parents together. As much as we hear the statement “never stay together for the children,” it is often ignored, because of parental conflict as well as both parents personal reasons.  The effects of this on a child can be extremely detrimental.  In these situations, the child’s needs are often put aside, and they grow up in an environment that often leads to to a lifetime of psychological distress.Split In Two


What children of divorce need and want is to maintain healthy relationships with both parents.  They need to be protected from their parent’s conflicts. As I always love to quote Dr. Phil, “never involve children in adult issues.”  Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for one parent to foster the child’s rejection of the other parent.  In some cases, children may even be manipulated by one parent to hate or think badly about the other parent, despite the child’s desire to be loved and love both parents.


Parental Alienation

Parental alienation occurs when a parent is unable to separate their own marital conflicts, to recognize and focus on the child’s needs.  The parent may program the child to hold beliefs towards the other parent, in effort to undermine and interfere wit the child’s relationship with the other parent.  As a result, the child may emotionally reject one parent, and even lose the capacity to feel love for that parent.71a447b965442caf4b83d90ad1482f08

“Psychiatrist Richard Gardner developed the concept of “parental alienation syndrome” 20 years ago, defining it as, “a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child custody disputes.  Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification.  It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent’s indoctrinations and the child’s own contributions to the vilification of the target parent.” Children’s views of the targeted parent are almost exclusively negative, to the point that the parent is demonized as seen as evil.”


Currently, there is scholarly consensus that severe alienation is abusive to children, and is a largely overlooked form of child abuse  The severe effects of parental alienation on children have been well-documented  They include low self-esteem, self-hatred, lack of trust, depression, substance abuse and loss of the capacity to give and accept love from a parent.  Self-hatred is one ofparentalalienationaaa the most significant effects.  Children internalize the hatred targeted towards the alienated parent, and can be led to believe that the alienated parent did not love them, or want them.  Children that have suffered from parental alienation typically grow up to have conflicted or distant interpersonal relationships, and even experience these problems with their own children.  Every child has the right to maintain a non-threatening, loving relationship with both parents.  To be denied that right by one parent without justification is in itself a form of child abuse.  Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to children.  It is an emotion that is taught and learned from a parent. 


Symptoms of Parental Alienation

 by Douglas Darnall, Ph.D.

” To prevent the devastating effects of Parental Alienation, you must begin by recognizing the symptoms of PA. You will notice that many of the symptoms or behaviors focus on the parent. When the child exhibits hatred and vilifies the targeted parent, then the condition becomes parental alienation syndrome. After reading the list, don’t get discouraged when you notice that some of your own behaviors have been alienating. This is normal in even the best of parents. Instead, let the list help sensitize you to how you are behaving and what you are saying to your children. 

1. Giving children choices when they have no choice about visits. Allowing the child to decide for themselves to visit when the court order says there is no choice sets up the child for conflict. The child will usually blame the non-residential parent for not being able to decide to choose whether or not to visit. The parent is now victimized regardless of what happens; not being able to see his children or if he sees them, the children are angry. 

2. Telling the child “everything” about the marital relationship or reasons for the divorce is alienating. The parent usually argues that they are “just wanting to be honest” with their children. This practice is destructive and painful for the child. The alienating parent’s motive is for the child to think less of the other parent. 

3. Refusing to acknowledge that children have property and may want to transport their possessions between residences. 

4. Resisting or refusing to cooperate by not allowing the other parent access to school or medical records and schedules of extracurricular activities. 

5. A parent blaming the other parent for financial problems, breaking up the family, changes in lifestyle, or having a girlfriend/boyfriend, etc. 

6. Refusing to be flexible with the visitation schedule in order to respond to the child’s needs. The alienating parent may also schedule the children in so many activities that the other parent is never given the time to visit. Of course, when the targeted parent protests, they are described as not caring and selfish. 

7. Assuming that if a parent had been physically abusive with the other parent, it follows that the parent will assault the child. This assumption is not always true. 

8. Asking the child to choose one parent over another parent causes the child considerable distress. Typically, they do not want to reject a parent, but instead want to avoid the issue. The child, not the parent, should initiate any suggestion for change of residence. 

9. Children will become angry with a parent. This is normal, particularly if the parent disciplines or has to say “no”. If for any reason the anger is not allowed to heal, you can suspect parental alienation. Trust your own experience as a parent. Children will forgive and want to be forgiven if given a chance. Be very suspicious when the child calmly says they cannot remember any happy times with you or say anything they like about you. 

10. Be suspicious when a parent or stepparent raises the question about changing the child’s name or suggests an adoption. 

11. When children cannot give reasons for being angry towards a parent or their reasons are very vague without any details. 

12. A parent having secrets, special signals, a private rendezvous, or words with special meanings are very destructive and reinforce an on-going alienation. 

13. When a parent uses a child to spy or covertly gather information for the parent’s own use, the child receives a damaging message that demeans the victimized parent. 

14. Parents setting up temptations that interfere with the child’s visitation. 

15. A parent suggesting or reacting with hurt or sadness to their child having a good time with the other parent will cause the child to withdraw and not communicate. They will frequently feel guilty or conflicted not knowing that it’s “okay” to have fun with their other parent. 

16. The parent asking the child about his/her other parent’s personal life causes the child considerable tension and conflict. Children who are not alienated want to be loyal to both parents. 

17. When parents physically or psychologically rescue the children when there is no threat to their safety. This practice reinforces in the child’s mind the illusion of threat or danger, thereby reinforcing alienation. 

18. Making demands on the other parent that is contrary to court orders. 

19. Listening in on the children’s phone conversation they are having with the other parent. 

20. One way to cause your own alienation is making a habit of breaking promises to your children. In time, your ex-spouse will get tired of having to make excuses for you.”

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BPD & Parenting

Although there is no concrete evidence indicative of the exact cause of borderline personality disorder, various theories have been supported.  Most theories are related to childhood and parenting, but overall the available evidence points to no one definitive cause of BPD. Instead, a combination of genetic, developmental, neurobiological and social factors, evidently contribute to the development of BPD.


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Family studies suggest that first-degree relatives of borderlines are several times more likely to show signs of a personality disorder, especially BPD, than the general public.  It is unlikely that one gene contributes to BPD; instead, like most medical disorders, many chromosomaloci are activated or subdued, probably influenced by environmental factors, in the development of BPD.  The latest research strongly suggests that BPD may be at least partly inherited, parent and child may both experience dysfunction in cognitive and/or emotional connection.(Kreisman, 2010).


Developmental Roots; The Parent-Child Relationship

Developmental theories focus on the relationship and interactions between the child and caregiver during the first few years of life.  Between the ages 18 to 30 months, the child begins the struggle to gain autonomy, or independence.  Objects Relations Theory defines this as the Rapprochement Phase.  In the rapprochement phase, the child’s expanding world sparks the recognition that he possesses an identity separate from those around him.  Reunions with the mother and the need for her approval shape the deepening realization that she and others are separate, real people.  It is in this phase that both childselfish-parent_0[1] and mother confront conflicts that will determine future vulnerability to the development of BPD  This is a crucial time in a child’s development, and may be causative to the development of BPD later in life  Parents may be either resistant toward separation from the child, and in turn they become controlling and disrupt this significant phase of development.  On the other hands, some parents are absent during this time, and fail to provide sufficient attention to and validation for the child’s feelings and experiences.  Either extremes of the caregivers behavior, being over controlling or emotionally under involved, cant result in the child’s failure to develop a positive, stable sense of self and may lead to a constant, intense need for attachment and chronic fears of abandonment as they grown into adulthood.  Many people diagnosed with BPD have had an absent or neglectful caregiver early in life.


Trauma

Major traumas which occur during the early years of life, such as parental loss, neglect, rejection, physical and/or sexual abuse significantly increase the likelihood of development BPD during adolescents/early adult years.  For example, a child raised with a neglectful caregiver, may need to learn to survive with minimum love and attention.  During adulthood self-image may be distorted and deep feelings of unworthiness may be experienced.  As children, we depend on our primary caregiver to meet our needs, and this determines how we view the world when we reach adulthood.  If a parent fails to meet the child’s needs, or there is an abusive or neglectful parent-child relationship, the child learn to view the world through this lens.  In a traumatic relationship, where the child experiences any type of abuse, they naturally blame themselves, and develop the mindset of that they are unworthy of health relationships, or are simply not good enough  Of course, not all children exposed to trauma or abuse develop BPD; nor do all adults with BPD have a history of trauma or abuse  Here is where the controversy of nature vs nurture comes into play.