Choosing a Life Worth Living..BPD is NOT a Death Sentence.

I know how being diagnosed with borderline personailty disorder can be perceived as a death sentence. I’m living proof that it doesn’t have to be.  Recently, I was listening to Marsha Lineham’s youtube videos on BPD, and one story in particular stood out to me.  She talked about a client she was treating who was struggling with suicide ideation/attemps.  She asked the girls parents if they wanted to hospitalize her, lock her up and risk her making another suicide attempt, or if they wanted to try giving her the opportunity to create a life worth living through DBT.  There is one girl in my DBT group who has borderline personality as well.  Every time she speaks, I feel like im listening to myself a year ago.  Its so hard for me not to jump out of my chair and tell her IT DOES GET BETTER. I know it can, because I’ve been there and and now im here.  I’m alive, and not completely finished, but on my way to creating a life worth living.  And I know I will get there. There is such a stigma on BPD that portrays us as helpless victims of ourselves and everyone around us.  I have BPD, and thats not me. Stop the stigma, spread awareness, support bpd. There is help out there, don’t be afraid to ask for it.  The only thign we can control is ourselves, make the choice, make the changes and live the life you deserve.

xxx

Michelle

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#Flashback

#venting

*mom if your reading this stop here, this is not something you want to read, thats your disclaimer*


 

 

I was just ranting to my boyfriend about flashbacks, analyzing them and realizing how they shaped me over the years.  So instead of completely emotionally draining him, i’ll tell you about it.  Just a heads up feel free to stop here, this is just me venting/ranting. 


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When I was aroundddd 17 maybe 18 I started working in college bars, bartending and shotgirling.  Every summer when I came home to new york from college I would work at these bars.  My last summer there was a complete shit show.  I was wasted the entire summer, so its all a blur.  I do remember dating my boss.  And I remember weaving my way through packed crowds, holding my tray of shots above my head, getting extremely angry when random people grooped me and turning around to yell at people who couldn’t even hear me because the “dj playing house” was “spinning” so loud.  I remember the point where I actually looked in the mirror and saw myself as an object.  A sex object, with my purpose being exclusively for entertaning guys in via exploiting myself sexually.  Like I literally looked in my bedroom mirror and saw myself as an object, like in my head I said “your a sex doll”. Ew. Like I’m so not a feminist and I’m fine with being “objectified” by guys,  like I don’t give a fuck what people think, but when you start objectifying yourself and seeing yourself as a sex object, you have a problem (#noselfworth).  So after I stopped working at these college bars, whenver I would go out to clubs and bars, and someone would grab my ass I would snap. I would get so fucking angry, I would rage in their faces, I had guys bolting out of bars like they were running for their lives.  So flashfoward, when my boyfriend snuck up on me and grabbed my ass at the art museum in vegas about a month ago, it makes sense that I reacted in the way I did.  Flashback a few months ago, it makes sense why I allowed guys to use me and  I couldn’t have given less of a fuck,  because I saw myself as the object that I was used to being treated as.  When I was with Max that feeling went away.  I didn’t feel objectified, or like an object.  And now with Arthur I definitely don’t feel that way I know now that I am not an object, but an actualy person with a real identity and values, etc.  But maybe whenever I’m single that’s like my go to.  Just psychoanalyzing myself, since I have no one else to psychoanalyze at the moment.  I can’t wait to start working again…


So Obviouisly Desperate, So Desperately Obvious

You say you can’t stand drama, but you love it. You can’t fucking live without it you need it so badly, that you go out of your way to create it. You seek validation more then any borderline I’ve met. I can read you like an open book.  Your still unsure if your a bad person, so you try to “help others” when really, its obvious that your doing it to help yourself. You still can’t figure out whats missing, while the truth is so clear, but you just don’t want to address it.  You want to avoid it, like you do with so many other things.  There’s a reason why I only date older guys, its because they are suppose to have their shit together.  Don’t take on more baggage then you can carry, because thats just dumb. And don’t say things that arent true because that’s just lying.  Don’t make things more complicated then they need to be, thats just dramatic. If “g-d takes away the obsession and the urge to pick up …” then try asking him to take away the urge to go on plenty of fish.  If g-d was powerful enough to take away the urge to use and “lift the obsession” I’m sure it would be a breeze for him to lift this one as well.  Too bad its too hard to think before we act, afterall we are so impulsive. You would think one would learn their lesson the first time their life was torn apart by a borderline.  No one is going to break me. 

Lessons Learned During my 12 Hour Stay at Mclean

  1. Radical Acceptance Things don’t always happen according to plan, you don’t always get what you wanted or expected from life and that is okay.  The only moment I have control over is this one.  The past is in the past, there is no telling what the future will be, therefore why worry? Sometimes you admit yourself to a 3 month min. program for borderline personality disorder, and sometimes you only end up staying 12 hours, but taking away so much from those few hours. And that is okay. 
  2. Mindfulness Just be present. I’m here, these people are with me, these are the things around me. Yes my emotions may be a little strong, but lets take a step back and think logically.  Am I interpreting what this person is saying rationally? Most likely, I am not. So lets realize that, accept it, remain present and go about being mindful. 
  3. Self Affirmation I accept myself as is.  I do not want to change my personality, or who I am.. I want to learn and be able to apply more effective coping skills to my life, but when it comes to myself as a whole, I’m good. I don’t need to be stripped of whatever identity people believe I lack, I love myself, and my flaws because without them I wouldn’t be me. 
  4. Emotion Regulation I admit, I do often feel intense overhwleming emotions that not only cause myself significant distress, but cause those around me to feel uneasy as well.  I am aware that I have strong emotions, and that I often have strong reactions to things that may seem unreasonable.  I recognize why I am feeling the way I feel, accept the feeling, My emotions are totally valid, but there are healthier ways to cope with them.  For example, my primary therapist was a psychopath, he told me that he would put a psychiatric hold on me if I tried to leave the program I voluntarily admitted myself to.  He threatened me numerous times, and attempted to manipulate me into thinking I was sick, and that I needed to be stripped of my rights and of everything about who I was as a whole.  He also attempted to manipulate my parents into believing I was manupulating them, while he was the one manipulationg everyone.  As a result, I felt offended, angry, dissapointed and upset.  The comments my primary therapist made towards myself and my parents was offensive.  It made me feel like I did not deserve to make my own decisions, and like I was being judged based on a sterotypical view of borderline personality disorder.  My dad was also upset and a bit angry when he realized that I was being threatened and treated unethicall.  On hte other hand, I hve been known to overexagerate things, and dramatize things.  In conclusion, I think there was miscommunication between myself, my primary therapist and my parents.  I feel like shit happens, and thats okay.  I’m not angry anymore, and I do not feel the need to bash my primary therapist by writing reviews discussing how he is clearly a psychopath.  To cope with this situation in a healthy way, I communicated to my parents that this was not the right treatment facility for me, and accepted that we all make mistsakes, and thats okay.  
  5. Interpersonal Effectiveness DEARMAN. Seriously it works. 
  6. There is always someone who is worse off then you, things aren’t as bad as you may perceive them to be.. would you really trade your problems for someone elses if you could see through them? I’m lucky to have the skills, intelligence and support that I do because I realized that this isn’t as debilitating that it has to be.  Just because I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, doesn’t mean that I need constant validation, have chronic feelings of emptiness or feel extremely fearful of real or perceived abandonment.  My name isn’t Borderline, this disorder doesn’t define who I am.  I define who I am and who I want to be, and while I may not know who exactly that is at this moment, I know for sure it’s not a “borderline.”  
  7. I do not by any means need intensive inpatient care.  Seriously, I’m completly fine. You probably think I’m being sarcastic but deadass I’m not at all.  I am 100 percent completly fine and good with outpatient therapy twice weekly for one hour and a weekly dbt skills group.  No need for inpatient hospitalization.  Definitely not trying to kill myself, no thoughts of harming myself or anyone else, its all good, I’m loving life and I plan to live it. 

Hope

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This is dedicated to the people in my life who have given me hope. The hope that I had lost and forgotten after a year of living in darkness at the lowest point in my life, you gave me the hope and motivation to make the choice, the choice only I could make, to fight my disorder.  I no longer want to look back at the past, I’m choosing to move forward.  There are no words to express how thankful I am for you. After being stuck in a hole for far too long, a hole I dug myself into, you gave me the push I desperately needed to climb out.  I finally see light again.  I can see that the past is in the past, and I do have a future. Thank you.


 

Found Rock bottom.. It’s not so bad down here.

 


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So that was rock bottom. I took almost 10 pregnancy tests, and as expected they were all positive.  I called my mom and casually said “I’m pregnant, I need you to come take me to get an abortion and then drop me off at an inpatient psychiatric facility.”

That was my rock bottom, and after I hit it I surrendered.  I had the “in home” abortion, which actually was not nearly has bad as I expected it to be.When it was over, I did what I had been putting off and avoiding for so many months.  I asked for help, and admitted that I needed it.  I accepted the fact that if I didn’t get serious help I was notimages going to make it.  And I’m not ashamed to say that, I’m proud.  

I realized I’m fucking done with this fucked up bull shit of a disorder,  I spent almost an entire year suffering alone, in the darkness, suffering for no reason other than the feelings caused by my self sabotaging behaviors.  I’ve without doubt had enough of you.  You put me through hell, you tortured me, debilitated me, made me hurt myself and so many people who I love.  You made me hate myself, and everyone around me, you took everything from me, my sense of self, happiness, love, fulfillment.  You tormented me and my family for long enough, and I’m taking my life back.

I was accepted in to McLean’s intensive inpatient program for borderline personality disordered women.  I’ll be there for a minimum of two months, and I’m taking my life back.  After going through an intense process of being interviewed by 10+ therapists and other mental health professionals who were brilliant, cut through, intimidating people, similar to the person I would like to be, I was told I had been accepted.  I received a phone call “Dr.X believes you are an excellent fit for the program, we just need to speak to your parents and then we can discuss the your admission date. I wanted to welcome you to the program!”  I coimagescouldn’t believe that A. I was actually accepted in to the program B. That my parents were actually going to pay for me to try to overcome this madness and C. That I actually had no doubts and KNEW that there was nothing on earth that I would let prevent me from actually going.

“It’s okay to ask for help.” – A

 

7 days

In 7 days I’ll be admitted to Mcleans intensive inpatient program for borderline personality disordered women. One week before I leave for at least 2 months, to do what I’ve been told will be “the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.” I’m petrified.


I think it’s been around 3 months since we met.  I promised myself I wouldn’t do this again.  I wouldn’t allow myself to be emotionally invested in anyone, or have any type of relationship consisting of anything besides one night stands (strictly not staying the night) or the casual “go to.” I don’t know what happened, I don’t know how we got here. It’s funny how the most unlikely people, can make such a significant impact on your life. I was able to keep it together, but last week I broke. I fucked up like I always do, out of paranoia, fear of manipulation, abandonment etc. I didn’t notice how fearful I was of “real or imagined abandonment.” I didn’t realize I was a classic case of “I hate you, don’t leave me,” pushing the people who try to get close to you, care for you and love you away. But the light in me that had been shining for the longest it had in so long broke, and you saw the darkness. I don’t understand why I have to hurt everyone I love, and everyone closest to me. apparently that’s something I’ll learn. So I hurt you, like I do to anyone who attempts to get remotely close to me.  I didn’t think I was like that anymore, but I say I ever knew what I was like or who I ever am or was.  Apologizing isn’t enough anymore, I’ve made the same mistake too many times.  I felt overwhelmed by guilt, self-hatred and blame, and there was nothing I could do.  You treat me better than I ever thought I deserved. And I did what I always do, I fucked it up.  I know you say I didn’t but it’s not a feeling I can control. I just want to spend my last week before I leave, with you, happy.  But it’s so hard to feel happy when I’m reminded of all the people I’ve hurt, and now I’ve hurt you. Going from feeling nothing, to intense feelings varying from confusion to happiness, anger, sadness, excitement it’s another emotional roller coaster.  You tell me over and over again that you know how you feel, and that your feelings are real. It’s just so hard to believe that anyone would ever feel that way about me, especially after being exposed to the part of myself that I try so hard to hide.

The Impact of Misconceptions and Stigmas on People with Mental Illnesses

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Despite of what some argue, there is clear-cut evidence that mental illnesses are diseases,
no different from any other medical condition.  unfortunately the misconceptions and stigmas placed on those suffering with mental health problems, often prevent them from seeking treatment.  People are not only suffering from the symptoms of a disorder or disease, but from societies lack of willingness to accept that mental illness is a disease as well, leaving may individuals to suffer in silence.  The stigma society places on this subject in turn, is preventing those suffering from reaching out to receive proper treatment, which could potentially be crucial in some cases where symptoms and conditions tend to worsen. People with life threatening diseases such as heart disease and cancer are willing and regularly seek treatment from doctors.  They are admitted into hospitals, and treated most often with respect and they receive adequate care.  I’ve never heard anyone with a broken leg tell me they have been criticized for seeking medical treatment, or for being hospitalized.  How is this any different from those effected by depression seeking help from a psychiatrist or a psychotherapists? Is clinical depression not a life threatening disease? Are those suffering in silence not at extremely high risk for suicide?  So why is it that when a person is to admitted to a hospital, or seeks help for a mental illness, which may potentially be life threatning, burdened by the stigma of mental illness?


The Truth About Mental Illness

Given the stigma placed on mental disorders, on top of the symptoms and challenges those struggling with these disorders face, many people are stereotyped, labeled, and looked down upon by society.  Not only do they have to try their best to manage their symptoms, but to mask them as well.  Many individuals are fearful when it comes to a606a03123d982d06455ea5ad84e6a6eseeking help, and often hesitant to take advantage of opportunities that may define their qualify of life.  Further more, those suffering are led to take on a self-stigma, based on societal views.  Public stigmas frequently portray those suffering from mental illness as dangerous or violent people.  Public stigma also includes prejudices, people agree with the belief and negative emotional reaction, and in turn are fearful of people with mental disorders.  The behavior response to prejudice is discrimination against people.  Therefore, people with mental health problems face discrimination in a variety of contexts such as employment, housing opportunities, access to healthcare, etc.  So now due to the public stigma, this population suffers further from self-stigma.  Many begin to label themselves, similarly to how society has labeled them, they begin to hold negative beliefs about themselves, such as feelings of weakness or incompetency.  Many feel they are not “normal” and this will not be accepted by the general public.  The natural response to widely held societal views is negative emotional reactions, including low-self esteem and low-self efficacy.  Further more, the behavior response to discrimination and prejudice often ends in the individuals failure to pursue work and leaves them feeling hopeless, incapable and often undeserving of living a quality life. 

These are not theories, these are facts.  Educate yourselves and others on mental illness, spread awareness, join the movement to change the way society views mental health.


Either like this post, or share it so spread mental health awareness, and encourage those suffering in silence to break free of the stigma, and seek necessary help and support.